In my first part I described how I came into contact with Tantra and my very first experience in a workshop. Today I am writing about my second important experience I had.
My first workshop in Berlin
I remember that it was my first Tantra workshop in Berlin in summer 2013. It was already in the middle of the 5-day workshop and we had a blindfolded exercise done naked on a mattress on the floor. It was more of a game. We should start playing puppies on the floor, touching, smelling and cuddling each other. And it got wilder and wilder. We belted, puffed, licked and played around.
I wanted to run away!
Suddenly a strong feeling overwhelmed me. Since I lay motionless naked on the mattress, blindfolded, I had a sudden feeling of rejection. It was so strong that I felt paralyzed, suddenly unable to move. I got terrified and thought the best thing was to get up and run away.
Yes, this was my pattern!
It gets emotionally difficult and I run away. For a moment I thought, ok, let me put up with it and analyze what exactly is going on inside me. Nobody sees me, nobody knows who I am, on the floor, we are all blindfolded and see nothing. Why do I get these panic attacks?
So I took a strong breath to calm myself down. I thought I should use this moment – not to run away – but to look at it. So I did it.
After a while of thinking and calming down, I felt that this rejection wasn’t from the others, but from my inner self. It is I, I „produce“ these feelings of rejection myself. That is not necessary! I was overwhelmed by these feelings, suddenly I saw the rest of my puzzle. Oh, what a gift!
Now, I was so proud of me!
After that I was so proud of myself that I didn’t run away. I let it go and stayed, I could investigate my feelings of rejection.
I cried a lot after this exercise and some of the coaches held me all the time to calm me down. What a beautiful feeling, what a relief!
The session worked inside me for weeks and I had to think about it all the time. I felt incredibly free after this experience, it felt so good, I felt like a new person from that moment.
I will never, never forget this experience and I have to thank the group of beautiful men and myself to cope with this kind of rejection feelings –